Editorial note: This won’t make any sense for most, so just let it be.
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I’m not saying bullshit for sensational purposes or anything, but seriously shovels are bullshit!
Especially, hoes. Hoes are used by do-it-yourselfers that frequent Home Depot on the weekends. Real gardeners would never claim to use a “hoe”. They have specific names like collinear hoes and Dutch hoes. None of this general “hoe” nonsense.
Real gardeners are many things, but they are not stupid. They invented these and other made up modifiers of the word hoe in order to confuse everyday gardeners and elevate themselves as a select group of superior gardeners.
But hoes are easy. Most gardeners look at the angled metal and the end of a hoe and “just get it”. Many find it it’s simplicity reassuring.
Well that’s bullshit.
Hoes aren’t simple. They’re a complicated tradition passed down through generations of real gardeners. Many even use two hands.
So, you want to move a small amount of dirt around? Well keep looking because a hoe isn’t just some willy nilly tool you can just grab and start pecking at the ground with.
Real gardeners have critiqued general purpose hoes on the grounds that it gets gardening wrong, mistaking hoes for a pitch fork’s job. That may be true, but bullshit. Pitch forks may get the job done, but you really should feel ashamed of yourself in the process.
In the past I’ve suggested the phrase “stick that gives my hands blisters” as a more accurate name for hoes. For if you’re truly interested in the truth and haven’t taken off your foil hat yet, you’ll realize this is the honest intent of hoes.
I’m not naive. I realize that hoes seem like an easy answer for digging holes and controlling weeds. I realize that people don’t have much time and although a hoe will move dirt around, it requires thinking to move the dirt to one side instead of back and forth. You can’t simple slap a hoe on your website. For the rest, who aren’t having any fun while gardening and really haven’t spent much thought or effort trying to use a hoe anyway, there another name the gardening world has for you: they call you a “whiner”.
Gardeners, gardeners, bullshit, hoes!
Get off my lawn,
Angry Gardener